Late night essay in response to the question of are we more or less ourselves when we know we are being watched?

To answer that, one must have a strict definition as to what constitutes “ourselves,” which I see has a highly personal matter.

As a person that believes in the limitless possibilities within us all, I place a higher value on our ability to evolve, rather than what we inherently are. However, this ability to evolve can only come from a strong understanding of oneself and a desire to do so. Unfortunately, our culture is not one that encourages much change; by which I mean that we are taught to seek successful formulas and to copy them, rather than to challenge or question. We are taught to not make waves, to be agreeable; we place value on being malleable, to alter ourselves for the given situation, to be likable and loved by all. This kind of training breeds the person who is highly (and overly) attuned to everything and anything around them, who has so many faces that they cease to know which is real; who is always preforming for the crowd. In a perfect world, it would make no difference if we were being watched, we would have strong roots to carry us, and ground us to be whatever we may be; but this is not the case.

But then, in all truth, there is a problem within the question; which is to ask an individual to answer for the “we.” I can not, and do not want to speak for humanity. Not because I lack the knowledge to pass judgment, but because to make broad generalizations about the nature of man would mean that I believe in a collective “we”, which I do not. We are NOT all one, we do not all have the same beliefs, the same morals, the same tastes, or the same motivations. We should not all like or love each other, to do so would be to negate our own beliefs, our own morals, tastes, and motivations; and in so doing, negate ourselves. It is our differences and our disagreements that make our lives rich, our quarrels that teach us to believe in ourselves, and our failures that breed our success.

I fear I have once again gone horribly off topic, but inside my rambling lies the undercurrent that has pulled at me for all of my life and which I have only recently realized and accepted and which is therefore very relevant to me as an artist and as a homo sapien in general. I see a terrible trend that continues to become stronger all around me, a trend that asks one to turn a blind eye to mistakes, to- when unable to say anything nice- say nothing at all, to add a spoonful of sugar to everything, to dumb it down, to simplify, to calm down, to be quiet, to care less, to be apathetic, to accept mediocrity, to not hurt anyones feelings, to be politically correct… to take what you can get and give the same. When did we decide to accept everything as it is and ask nothing less? When did we come to the conclusion that it was admirable to expect less of everyone, to insult them so cruelly as to EVER say that they did their best? That we did OUR best? How dare anyone place limits on the possibility of another or of themselves?

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If this is incoherent, I apologize; the numerous Miller cans (how predictable, the alcoholic artist… shameful) that litter my desk call into question my ability to properly communicate, but at the same time I find I am most myself when I simply allow things to fall out of me and hope they land properly (a way of nullifying my cultural training).